


Cattus Ex Machina

by piggy09



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 22:52:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9406517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: The universe is a stream, and sometimes it’s a breeze, and sometimes it’s like a really empty road with no people on it so when you push the gas pedal down you can justgo, like, really fast, and anyways that’s probably why a kitten runs out of the woods and then somehow kills half of the army guys.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished this series an hour ago and it's consumed me. I am consumed.

The universe is a stream, and sometimes it’s a breeze, and sometimes it’s like a really empty road with no people on it so when you push the gas pedal down you can just _go_ , like, really fast, and anyways that’s probably why a kitten runs out of the woods and then somehow kills half of the army guys.

Bart helps with the other half. Mostly she does this by chucking the rock she’s holding in their general direction, which jams the cannon on the tank, which blows up the tank and everyone _around_ the tank, but the point: she helps.

“Oh my god,” says Ken, from inside the taxicab. “Was that – was that a _cat?_ Was that – was that a _shark?_ Sharks don’t even live on land, what—”

There’s, like, half a guy on the ground. He’s still twitching. Bart steps over him, crouches down, and holds out her hand to the kitten. It sniffs her fingers and then starts purring.

“Ken,” she says delightedly. “Hey, _Ken!_ Stop yelling the same stupid stuff over and over, I think the cat _likes_ me.”

She can hear the sound of the car door opening and closing. In the backseat, the dog barks a few times and then doesn’t make any more sounds. She likes the dog. The dog found her, so the universe probably wants her to have a dog. Even if it didn’t: she’s been learning recently that sometimes the universe breaks, and she’d be willing to accept that the universe is broken if it didn’t let her keep the dog. It’s a _great_ dog. Like a little sausage, only with ears and a collar and stuff.

Ken is taking tiny little steps towards her, hands held out in front of his face. “Ken,” Bart hisses very loudly, “it’s _licking my fingers_.”

It is licking her fingers. There’s blood on her fingers. She really _loves_ this cat. She’d never really wanted a cat, because she thought if she needed a cat she’d – end up with a cat, and wanting anything that wasn’t destined to happen seemed sort of dumb. But if she’d wanted a cat it would definitely be a cat that turns into an electric shark sometimes and then licks the blood off her fingers.

“I don’t think we can keep the shark cat,” Ken says, crouching down slowly next to her. “Unless – is the universe telling you to keep the cat?”

“I’m saying I’m keeping the cat,” Bart says, scooping the kitten up into her arms. It meows happily and then starts licking the bloody cut on her chin. “If the universe isn’t on-board it’ll let me know.” She pauses. “Probably.”

“I mean,” Ken says nervously, “I don’t think we can keep the dog _and_ the cat.”

“Why not?” Bart says, hopping over a few more military bodies as she heads back to the cat. “They can both fit in the car. It’s a pretty big car, Ken. We could probably fit like _ten_ dogs and cats in that car.” She whirls around to look at Ken. “D’you think we’re gonna end up with ten dogs and cats? We could name ‘em stuff, like ‘Dirk Gently’ and…” she runs out of names. “Bart.”

“Bart is _your_ name,” Ken says, sounding exasperated – and slightly nauseous, when he looks down at the guy still twitching by his shoe. “And my _point_ is that dogs and cats don’t get along.”

Bart stops in front of the car. “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard,” she says. “They’re both animals. They don’t hate anything. That’s a human thing, Ken. Hating people? Totally a human thing.” She puts the kitten down gently in the backseat. The kitten and the dog sniff each other, and the dog’s little tail goes _fwiff fwiff_ and it’s _adorable_ , okay, it is the most adorable thing. The kitten licks the dog’s ear. There! Friends.

She turns around and gestures to Ken. “See?” she says. “No problem.”

“It’s the universe,” Ken breathes, making that face he makes whenever he acts like the universe is some weird magic thing. Bart wonders who taught him about gravity. Did he wander around and occasionally freak out that his feet were stuck to the ground? Probably. He’s so weird. She loves him.

“Everything’s the universe, Ken,” she says as she gets into the car. “That’s, like, how it works. It’s _everything_. Even those guys. I mean, they’re dead now, but they’re part of the universe.”

“Who were they?” Ken asks as he gets into the passenger’s seat. “You didn’t say the _military_ was after you.”

Bart watches her hands on the steering wheel. They’re very tight on the steering wheel. Crazy how that works, how hands clench and stuff. Really cool.

“I got a lotta enemies,” she says finally. “That’s what happens when you’re an assassin.”

“Holistic assassin.”

“Yeah,” Bart says, furrowing her brow at Ken, “whatever.” She starts the car. In the backseat, the dog makes an excited yipping noise.

“I mean, that was what _you_ said,” Ken says. “You said you were a holistic assassin. That was one of the first things you said to me, actually, so I remember it.”

Bart slams a hand on the steering wheel as they drive off; Ken jumps, which is _really_ funny and never gets old. “ _Oh!_ ” she yells. “When I was tryin’ ta kill ya.”

“…yes.”

“That was crazy,” Bart says. “Crazy. Can you believe that?”

“Sure can’t,” Ken mutters. He hisses something way less kind as the kitten leaps from the backseat onto his shoulder and starts purring.

“Ken!” Bart says. “Not in front of the cat.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)


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